Every time I met another parent who was complaining about their child, it was obvious that the parent's stress was the cause of the problem. They felt stress, they smiled less and hugged less, they were more snappy. The child became naughtier to get attention. The parent doubled down on the child with anger. The child bottled it up and erupted at school or with anyone they could take it out on. Stress bubbles down to the most vulnerable in society, and so when our kids are acting out we need to check in with ourselves and be prepared to ask the hard questions to the person in the mirror.
When we learn to support our children emotionally, to see the world from their perspective, to provide an environment of nurture and love, they will thrive. Such thriving is not simply restricted to the world of school and grades, yet how they function in relationships and what kind of parent they themselves are able to become.
"I believe," said Inka, "that this is an old Persian saying. Regardless though, it goes like this. 'Walk in front of me until I am seven, then walk next to me. When I am twelve walk behind me unless I really need you.' That is undoubtedly the best quote for parenting I ever heard. We raise our kids for independence and maturity, their life is their own and they are supposed to lead it once they are about twelve."
In this ever-busy and pressured society, there are times our teenagers need "coffee shop" parenting. They need us to be as a friendly barista, ask them how their day has been and pass them food and drinks. They need that quiet calm space, a sanctuary in which nobody will ask them for anything, or even need them to pay attention. After all, isn't that huge part of why we love to go to a cafe or restaurant - for the sense of nurture and order? It would be easy to become offended in some manner, or upset, asking if that is all your child now needs you for. Grow up. They are young immature humans and if you can't be the "big one" then who will? Plus, when you've made your "mammas and papas" cafe, they will always come back, always need and want to talk with you. And isn't that what parents really want?
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