The guilt is ice in my guts. It could be a hundred degrees out and I'd still be frozen on the inside. I can't melt it on my own, I can't shift it at all. I need Him to bring his warmth, to show me that I can be better, that I can still serve Him. I wanted to be perfect so much, even as a little kid, and it kills me that I wasn't. I wanted to follow His ways from my earliest memories and I still strayed. So though it's hard to move past my mistakes, I own them, hold them as my own, and accept that He still loves me regardless. I only hope that by the time I'm done I can feel like I earned it.
When the guilt comes again to haunt me I take in a breath. After all this time it still cuts just as deep, but its visits are less frequent and softer in duration. I remind myself that whilst I cannot undo my misdeeds, I dedicate my life to walking in the light. I tell myself that even though I can never forgive myself, that in God's eyes the slate is clean. I don't need to make amends anymore, but I have sworn to walk His path, to do what He needs me to do. If He can help others though me, then I am his willing conduit. The glory is not mine, but His.
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