Fear sat at my table; he sat with the coldest glare. Then, eyes rolling, he stood and formed a ring of fire, a gate. Not so hard it seemed. Yet from above it rained petroleum, soaking me from crown to toe. I sat there for the longest time, my head a shambolic mess. Water. Get water. And at this thought a dessert grew, miles of sand all around. All there was the fire ring, the stench of petrol and scorching yellow grains. All that was left was my God call, and therein the answer came.
The pounding of my heart is a windowless and doorless room. A skull-storm rages on and on. How it booms, sending me back to the floor. How the electrical strikes blind. My limbs have trembled for so long that it is all I know. Fear and trembling. Is that a book? It sounds like a book. It should be a book.
My fear of loss is proof of my love for you, on that you can depend. The curse is the blessing as the blessing is the curse. Love is tough, but I'm tough enough.
When the chance to connect comes, when I see my holy grail, the monster appears to tell me that pain is ahead. Thus the chasm I see is the mirage fear creates, my future is a step beyond, one stride. And as I take it all the while the monster speaks of betrayal, abandonment and the worst of memories. I know that when the sun rises tomorrow I will be glad I endured, that I landed safe and sound on virgin hallowed ground.
I swallow my own fear to expand the safe zone of others, to become the stoic leader they deserve.
When we become great teachers of emotional intelligence we will delete the alt-right. When we explain how their new linguistics is acting as an catalyst for emotional indifference - the biological opposite of love - people will start to question how these subcultures are recoding and reprogramming their brains into isolated emotional spaces where they cannot access the love they need for good health. "Wrongthink" is made of "wrong" and "think" and will both ping the amygdala and (in some people) the PAG. This changes brain chemistry and traps people into their primitive brains, the parts that will prepare them for genocide and war, the parts that are incapable of empathy, logic and self control - all of the most desirable traits in humanity. Thus they unwittingly destroy that which they claim to seek - now, that is stupid, that is really, really fucking stupid. Alt-right delete. Let's do it.
When I'm feeling triggered the world and everyone it is behind fifty feet of glass. Loving bonds become inaccessible. In this mode I have to take great care not to damage bonds of love, the relationships and people who are everything to my heart and soul. For in time the glass disappears and my love returns. I wish I could stop the triggering, but if I feel unprotected or left to fend for myself it returns - it is survival mode, cold and indifferent. Yet even in these times I am cognisant of my morality. I still make good choices. I can still imagine what the better version of me would want me to do and then carry that out. I can't undo the trauma I've been through, but I can adapt and overcome.
Fear is natural and there to keep you alive and happy, yet where it has been weaponised and fashioned into a cage, one is honour bound to break free.
The wise let fear school them yet never fool them, for then they are ever free to learn, to make better choices, to become heroes.
It tell myself that the fear is simply brain chemicals, my amygdala pinged, and then I try to analyse the situation as I may without it. I try to imagine it from the outside, as if it were a movie and not real life. Then I ask myself what my "character" should do. It helps me to make better choices.
This fear is my challenge and my demon to slay, for it will come until I do, unannounced and gnarly. The only way out is to order this brain to function, to demand solutions instead of this crazy-making circling anxiety. So though it feels as if my bones have no more strength and my muscles are all out of power, I still have the option to remain still, to be quiet enough to choose how to fight.
Look, Sebastian, to quote my favourite TV show, "Fear is wisdom in the face of danger." It's a good thing to be tuned in enough to feel fear and figure out why it's there and what to do about it; that's what bravery is. You have to be brave to feel that fear long enough to analyse it and keep your self control. Because when we learn about it, it gives us a real chance to care better for others when they are scared, to be kind when others need help. Those who demand resiliency of others should ask themselves if it is loving and empathic to do so, for repeated exposure to harm and stress causes damage in the brain, whereas love, nurture and compassion build a stronger brain that gives a natural resiliency. When I am afraid, I remind myself that my good decision making ability is temporarily offline and I need to wait before I can figure things out, wait for my brain's usual connections to resume.
When we are afraid, when we are under stress, we speed up our brain's "angry-face search app" but, as we get faster, we get less accurate. We start to see angry faces that aren't there, reading calm faces as angry. And the stress hormones don't choose what we fear, they amp up whatever we've learned to fear. That's why society falls apart under ongoing stress - cracking us at our weak-points, spreading hate and indifference like a damn virus.
It's not predictable anger or pain that's the worst, it's the "randoms," stuff you know is coming, just never when. The randoms work on the mind as a torture, elevating primal fear, decreasing logic and self-control. That's how Curt keeps his iron grip, by exploding about small things he can blame on one of us. It's mind control 101 and I want out. I want to be around folks who talk calmly instead of attaching their fucking jump-leads to my amygdala, igniting it at their pleasure.
Being with Arc was like resting in a house while a gale raged outside, like in her presence time itself became more calm. She always said the root of all fears, the rotten root of mankind, is the "fear of need" and our task is to meet this fear with the same resistance a rock shows to wind - that the resolved person lets fear blow around them and remains resolute in a will to be kind.
If you are afraid of sunshine,
Even the sun is scary to you.
If you are afraid of rain,
Even a sweet shower is scary to you.
For if you love sunshine,
If you love rain,
They are a lullaby for the soul.
Fear lives not in the world,
But within the mind.
So when fear calls at your door,
Bang, bang, bang...
Ask why you are afraid.
And then you will find,
There is only sunlight in your doorway,
Only gentle rain in your garden.
Who made you afraid, my love? Afraid of the future and the past? For neither exist in any place but the imagination, even memory must be imagined. Thus fear is a kind of madness, but one that is useful if you know how it works. Fear will take you by the hand to the things you keep and guard as precious. Always face fear with courage, understand it, and then let it go. Let these fears wake you up, let them show you the way to your true self, to the brave soul whose love shines like a star. For without fear, love is brighter, stronger, deeper. When you find yourself, my love, you will be your own master, fully healed, and your last fear will be of your own strength.
You poured gasoline onto the spark of fear in my belly. It's not like you thought I was alright; I was far away from any inner peace. You took words and fashioned them into a knife, sinking it in with cold black eyes. All I ever did was offer you my hand. All I ever did was offer love and ask for help.
"Fear is part of being human, David, it's the precursor to bravery. We need it, it wakes us up to what needs to be done. So feel it, own it, let it ignite your thoughts."
Fear is shackles, fear is a knife in the gut slowly twisted, fear is a constant hammer on the head. Yet fear also evaporates like water under an early summer sun. When fear comes walk with confidence right past, because like the ghosts of children's nightmares, fear is an illusion.
We both see delicate spring blooms. I see life as so robust that the flowers come back season after season, Igor sees them as transitory - soon to be trampled under foot. We both feel the sunlight growing stronger. I feel warmth and look forward to the harvest, Igor shrinks inside and worries about burns and insect bites. We both know the goodness in our community. I know we can push forwards and grow in an enlightened way, Igor "knows" that the people from other religions will come to spoil it and take over, ruining our progress. But Igor confuses knowledge with fear.
There are so many problems in the world, I'm not blind to it, my eyes are open too. But I don't see big religion, people as part of "herds" or "gangs," I see billions of broken hearts reaching out to know they are loved by the Divine, and they are. All of them, every single one. So I'm feeling optimistic. Our enemy isn't people at all, they are all born in innocence, there never was an "evil" baby. Cultures shape our minds, religions can inspire goodness or fear and bigotry. Cultures can change if infused with Love and mutual understanding. Fear breeds fear and shuts us off from the true inner voice of our moral compass.
People are good, human nature is just fine, culture we can change and more rapidly than people think. I reach out with Love because Love heals, Love makes us whole, Love elevates us to better and more noble thought patterns. The glass is still half full and I know we can make it if we try.
Our fears can be triggered by real threats and by memories of threats. Humans find it challenging to unlearn fears. Thus when we realise that we are scared we must ask ourselves how real the threat is or if we have begun to generalise fear and seek evidence to cement it rather than challenge it. To remain well balanced and with good perspective we must always remain willing to ask ourselves these difficult questions, hone into our true emotions and see people as they really are. The prize for doing all this right is a well functioning society, the punishment for getting it wrong is run-away-paranoia. The former makes friendships, the latter makes enemies whom could have been friends. That said, if after analysis you find the threat to have real force and impact, take action to protect yourself, to protect those you love and call in allies to provide support. In summary, my love, fears can be real, ghosts of real fears, or entirely imagined. It takes courage to figure out your own fears, to face them and question them, but it is worth it.
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