Emotions are a form of biochemical bank account; positivity pays in and negativity is a withdrawal. We can give to one another in an emotional ecosystem when society is healthy, cooperative and kind. In a society of competition people start to take more than they give, health of brain and body deteriorates, society becomes more violent and unstable. It all links back to the biochemical bank account and the lead indicator of too many withdrawals and lack of deposits is stress (high cortisol).
Emotions are vital to good health and good choices, without them the moral compass cannot function, yet without logic, without creative perspective taking, they can be as wild horses in need of a soul whisperer. So whisper to them, ask them what they are saying, then listen and learn.
I am grumpy, I am. I've had a tough day and the grump monster has bitten his way through the bars. My grump-o-meter is off the chain. Sorry. My love-o-meter is however exactly the same as when I'm at my best. So please... space is all I need... I promise that I still love you, I do.
"Charlie, without joy every sweet thing is bitter; cake is guilt, wind is cold, rain is depressing. With joy they are uplifting; cake is rich, wind is refreshing, rain is cleansing. Every small thing in life is a moment able to nourish the soul if we let joy in. Live with awe, humbleness, present in each moment and the gifts of life will fill you to the brim, so much that your joy will overflow and make better the lives of all around you."
Here comes, Seth. He's got his emotional hurricane in full force today. On the surface he's joking and light, but he wants to pull me into his vortex and, with each jibe, I feel the winds clipping my core. And as tempting as it is to jump in, to take up the thrill of the challenge, it always ends up in a fight and, really, it's tiring on my emotions. So, instead I imagine I'm a fly on the wall watching us both. Soon it becomes a comical dance of sorts. I see my body relax and my voice flow out calmly, then instead of me being pulled in, Seth has a dilemma. He can either calm down or seek another person to pull into his hurricane.
My sadness, my fear, my love... they were simply birds flying around my own head. At first, in knowing this, I felt alone, isolated within my mind. But, after a time, I knew it meant I was in control. The sad memories only existed in my head, they were like movies I could refuse to play... and so the "sadness bird" flew away. My fear was nothing at all, less than a trap of fine gossamer thread. A life lived in the shadows is as a new blossom trampled underfoot, it is my choice to be beautiful, to live in full sunshine... and so the "fear bird" flew away. My love for this world, for others, is rarely reflected back with the passion I give out, yet others are in their own pain, perhaps lonely, trapped with their own birds... and so my "love bird" came home to roost. There are days fear and sadness visit with their mournful tunes, but I understand that they came at my calling. I understand that it was my choice to let them in, and I can easily tell them to leave. Knowing that my emotions are my own is a power, blaming others injures the self. I am responsible for myself in all ways and I choose to be happy, to lead a positive life, to listen to the melody of love. For the first time in so very long, my soul has peace. As if with a quiet choice I commanded a hurricane to become still, and it did.
My emotions are a part of me, and in this relationship they blend with yours in the most delicious of ways. Yet there are times I have storms inside, never because of you, but from the damage, the triggers of my past. It is for me to know that the fear comes from another place and time, that there is no connection to you. It is for me to remember that you love me as much as I love you. And then in those moments of storm I must find my calm core by myself, centre myself, or else I will always need to be calmed. I love you too much to do that to you and so I will keep on learning, keep on evolving, maturing. Then I will become the friend you deserve, able to give love freely, completely.
Moira was adept had hiding her broken insides. Ben wanted the happy version of her, the one with the instant smile and the warm things to say. It was her role in his life and he would adapt to nothing else. And so over the years her loneliness grew. Ben could be broken and expect her love and patience, he could show his scars and she would always help. Yet if Moira was sad for more than a few hours, a day even, his impatience grew. Then she would stop herself, swallow down that bitter pill and continue, giving him the impression that a little "tough love" had been all she needed. But there came a day when Moira found herself unable mask the hurt, unable to just switch on her happy side and act as if nothing wrong had ever happened... and that is where her problems began.
"If your emotions are a house, your foundation is love. You were born with perfect love in your soul and it will keep you strong. I promise you, little Adeline, if you feel your house is out of order in any way, fix the foundations and the rest will correct itself."
When the frustration builds and I think I might explode - I take a deep breath. I want to shout, have a tantrum and beat my hands on the ground like a toddler. I want to vent, let it out, but I don't want to say words I don't mean, be hurtful. It's just so easy to be cruel in that moment and then the damage is done. So many times I've wanted to unsay things, take it back. I'm learning how to deal with it, but slowly.
When anxiety and fear grab me by the tongue and dry my mouth, I don't panic anymore. I've been there before, I know the feeling, and knowing it makes it less scary - I am all the stronger for my battle scars. So instead of letting it take me down, I tell myself everything will be alright. I remind myself that I am a good person, I do good things, I have a heart full of love and there is world is full of good people out there. Fear can only hold me back, stop me from reaching my dreams. I can't say it never comes again, but each victory gets a little easier.
I can feel the fear in my chest waiting to take over. Perhaps it only wants to protect me but there really isn't any danger. It sits there like an angry ball propelling me towards an anxiety I just don't need. I switch the radio off and get out of the car. The air is sweet, the weather is fine, there are birds in the sky and I can hear water not far away. I should be on my way to work I know, but today I just want to smell the spring flowers and take my chances on seeing a deer. There's something about being outside that evaporates my fear, maybe the fresh air scent reminds me of fresh washed laundry, I'm not sure - but my body has already begun to relax.
Today I'm happy, but I don't think anyone can tell. It's under the surface and mixed with some anxiety. I'm not used to the combination, it's truly odd. Happy takes me up and anxious brings me down, so in that combination I'm simply focused on the task at hand. Perhaps it's like that for everyone starting something new, pleasure at gaining forward momentum and fear of the change. It's hard work, but worth it. I could have started any business I know, but painting has always relaxed me and so my job was a natural choice. I paint and decorate in the fresh colours of the new season and accessorize with an accent colour. The work can be dull, monotonous even, but the result is all the motivation I need. It's tough starting out, taking a chance, but in time my reputation will bring in all the business I need.
My tiredness makes me hang limp like wet laundry on a cold still day. I feel like every muscle is giving into gravity. What I want is sleep, a nice warm bed and a solid night of dreams. But my OCD won't let me. I can't have chaos outside and chaos in here too. My hair accessories are scattered over the dresser and my paperwork has sprawled over the easy chair. I should put them away the first time, try to stick to my resolutions. I want to wake up to a clean house and so I set about putting things right. Tomorrow I have nothing to do but enjoy the day, sitting at the window with a good book.
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