The "Cinderella Paradox" can operate between any gender in any direction. It comes of the emotions that accompany "marrying down." This is can be a function of the money-nexus, of racism or any kind of prejudice that evokes a superiority complex. The paradox element is that the lover who is perceived as part of the "higher" group at first sees the marriage partner as the best person in the world. They put them on a pedestal and love them in apparent unconditional fashion. However, after the honeymoon period, when challenges of cohabitation, children or careers set in, the "higher" partner starts to see their spouse not as their "queen" or "king," but as a "Cinderella." Poisonous statements once said by the "ugly sisters and stepmother" (any relative who has been derogatory about the spouse) is now said experimentally in order to win arguments, even petty ones. If this is successful the "higher" spouse compounds this position by expanding on their sense of superiority. Cinderella returns to the ashes (s)he "belongs" to, working harder to prove themselves worthy and equal. They have become simultaneously exalted (publicly) and bullied (privately). They have entered a personal hell of cognitive dissonance that is very challenging to escape. The Cinderella is, additionally, likely to have an emotional and perhaps financial dependance on the lover-turned-abuser. Should Cinderella find the courage to leave, s(he) is then blamed for the divorce on account of having "poor genetics" and "poor upbringing" and such. The lack of love and support from their spouse and in-law family is air-brushed from family history. After all... they are superior... right?
They way we shun the divorced smacks of primitive mating behaviours - like the bird of paradise showing its bright feathers to a mate. The more rigidly moral we are, the more attractive our stance. And so, against our teachings to love, to show empathy and kindness, we judge with harshness and show indifference. It's time to engage with our higher minds, to bring the real powerhouse of the brain fully online, to live the creeds of compassion.
Relationships often end, yet we can move on with love for all, wish both well, mindful that none are perfect. We have our time to be the helper and the helped. We can begin to see that fresh starts can be wholesome, bringing a new lease of life. The easier we make it, the more positively we frame it, the healthier it is for our kids too. Do we want our sons and daughters to be trapped in toxic relationships; or should we teach to be committed, love with everything they have, yet see that they can move on to something beautiful if they need to? What truly is the better example?
You said you loved me and I took you at your word. You said I was your soul mate and over the years you became part of the bedrock of my personality. Then one sunny day, under a cloudless sky, you announced you were in love with someone else. It would have been kinder to kill me. Now I must be this person filled with a bitterness I can't control. She is to be the other mother of our children, you want them to call her “mommy.” If it wouldn't wound them so badly I'd see you six feet under and walk away without shedding a God damn tear, not one. The girl you met years ago under that apple blossom tree, the one with the big eyes and the bigger heart is now consumed by a hatred she never knew could take root. But here it is. Here we are. I am yesterday's news and she is the new bell of the ball. You hold her around her waist while the kids get their boots on to visit you. All the while I am forced to smile and make small talk. The hate doesn't ebb, it multiplies.
Keep track of your favorite writers on Descriptionari
We won't spam your account. Set your permissions during sign up or at any time afterward.