You think you should matter to me still, yet you hurt me when I needed healing, you flung every thing at me that could cause me to feel shame or guilt. Then you acted as if you were the victim and a martyr to boot. How can you matter to me when you became the antimatter of my psychology, when you single handedly created a black hole in my brain that threatened to destroy all that I was or ever could be? Your gas-lighting was aimed at reducing how well my logical brain functioned, to cause an imbalance between that and my creative brain, thus inducing a temporary psychosis that you then exploited for you own gain and... yes... used to pile on more guilt and shame. Since you've been gone I've been healthy and well... You sent me crazy on purpose. You are a monster and our breakup was long, long, long overdue.
As we part, I take the best of you and you take the best of me. We learned from one another and grew. That our futures are on different paths brings a sadness, but that we met and loved brings me warm joy in my memories. So be well, recall that I loved you and know I hold you above others still. That we were once together makes you more in my eyes, someone special.
My love we should have been friends first, had time to discover the souls of one another without the rest of these strong emotions. Perhaps then we would have seen how our passions and purpose will always take us in opposite directions... unless one of us sacrifices who we really are... then what? How can there be a relationship if one of us became a shadow of our former self, or worse, a sort of annex of the other, or a fading echo struggling to find self worth? So, remembering the good times, cherishing our laughter and smiles, letting the quarrels fade to nothing, farewell, be strong, for I loved you.
I loved you, but when a wolf came to our door you became another wolf... and there's only one way that can end.
In this breakup I won't break up; I refuse to because I choose to live and love again. I choose to love again with full power because anything less would feel anaemic. In my pain I thought you close to evil, yet in truth you're drowning in a sea of your uncried tears. How can a soul be healthy if you refuse to feel your pain? Every time I said sweet things you would say they were "creepy" and I'd die a little more inside. Over the years I forgot what it was to smile from joy instead of painting a smile upon my face for others, one that felt empty and wrong. The truth is, we were simply wrong for each other - you prefer a cold environment and suspect love as a form of manipulation - to you only direct speech with no "sugar coating" is "truth." Yet in that utilitarian life a butterfly of the soul dies, for we need the sweet nectar of the flowers and the warm rays of the sun. The sweet words, the laughter, the silliness and the spontaneous hugs are as needed as the air we breathe. The sad thing is, I think you cold types need it too, that's why you seek us and cling to our warmth until our fire is extinguished. It takes a lot of healing to feel a spark again, to have the courage to let it grow and burn... so you can be sure I'll keep on walking, exploring, making a new life with others who spark and flame.
A leech is a happy companion without a clue of the damage it does; all it knows is that where it is feels sweet and warm. It takes, sucking the life out of the "host" and never gives back. In time, after years, the host is weakened and the leech starts to feel angry at its new discomfort... the blood is not so sweet and it has to work harder to get what it wants... and this is the beginning of the end of a parasitic relationship. If you want to be happy, first be an independent person. So, in this breakup know that once you can care for yourself emotionally and otherwise, the universe can bring you that someone special. And though you can be independent, you can then choose not to be, you can choose to be part of a team, fall hopelessly in love, defend each other in any realm.
If love were a light, yours would be the brightest star. It would shine as bright as any sun and just as pure. Sweet angel, I know you seek answers, a way to fix me, to restore this person to something as magical as you are. I need you to stop. There is only one person who can fix me, and that's me. I have to pull myself up, find a way to shine, to kick off the shadows of the past, heal these scars. Otherwise I'm gonna keep being mean to you because you're trying to lift me too high too fast. Perhaps I'll be more than I ever would have just from being close to your heart, I'd love to think so. Somewhere out there is a match for you, one who burns with a flame that will bring you health. It might not be the same as yours, but instead compliment. What I can say for sure is that the kindest thing I can do is walk away and never look back.
I'm gonna need some time for me, Isabelle. I need time to reset. Every relationship I have, I keep treating the new girl like the one that cut me deep and I think that's why it keeps ending like this. I'm the same as some rat in a maze, running round and round... my brain using the same circuitry over and over. So when I say you deserve more, you do. You deserve to be someone's everything, the reason their heart beats, the one they come to when the world feels tough. You need someone to listen in that way lovers do, as if your words are silk. So please, be okay and move on.
You were never the problem, my imagination was. I could have made up any story: nice, kind, realistically boring ... but instead it was my paranoia who held the script-writer's pen. It inked in you ignoring me instead of simply being busy. It inked in feelings you held toward other people, romantic feelings and attractions instead of you being distracted and stressed with work. I was so busy reacting to my own drama, my own inner sit-com, that I stopped seeing you for who you are, stopped using my heart as my eyes. So I guess this breakup happened long ago, and that's why we've been so lonely.
We've all got these trauma brains now, brains that developed with less love than we needed, crap food and violence. We've all got these short attention spans and the need to pull people close only to push them away when things get hard. It's that urge to run, that fear of trust, that uncomfortableness with nurturing love - addicted to the dysfunction and rejecting the cure. It takes a bravery to let it in, to allow the self to be loved by another. I think to let it be solid, lasting, good, I need to love me too and that's been so brutally hard. And they say you gotta have someone else love you first, so ain't that a vicious cycle? So, yeah, I've been bad. I pushed you away. I made up reasons for stuff you did and believed them, as if you ever could have had a mean intention, that was never you. So our breakup, my coldness, my spite... it's bad wiring I'm fighting. At least now I know, at least there's a chance for something better. So, I can say hand on heart I deserve this, that I have throughly earned your distain, but you wanna be my friend? Because I wanna learn how to be yours. If I help, if I'm kind I might start to like myself and that would be a start to something better.
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