The day I stopped believing that you loved me, that you would protect me in the same ways I protect you, we were over. The relationship breakup was set in motion from that point onwards.
In this relationship breakup, my love for you remains, for this big heart of mine can love so infinitely. And though we move in new spheres, following the challenges our futures bring, I hope you feel that my love is still yours. I feel blessed for the time we had, for the love we shared, and the best of you will remain in my heart. For me, those I have loved stay high in my heart. So even though I travel onward alone, and in time perhaps with another, I loved you very much.
Perhaps this breakup is the only way I will rediscover who I am, the me that is purely myself. I had these dreams. I had these amazing technicolour dreams that I need to make into some kind of reality for others... and for me too. Your dreams are so very different and so together everything becomes muted and confused, we morphed into some terrible compromise instead of supporting each other as brilliant and vivid individuals with passion and drive. So now I must go, weave my creative magic into this ether we call the world, and I wish you well even though I will always face forwards, moving onwards.
In this heartache the sun won't shine, birdsong passes as if the melody can't glide through the air as it once did before. But the truth is, I'd rather forgo comfort than keep a lover who doesn't love. So instead I will let this heartache be as my teacher and the reason to keep seeking one who can hear the playful calling of their own soul. Because I'd rather this relationship broke up than me, either it turns to ashes or I do, because I'd have to have no self respect at all to stay with one who can't see that how wonderful I am.
You act is if my love was owed to you, but you give me only apathy. When did you last cry because I was hurt, or come running because you thought I needed help? When did you last listen to the song of my heart regardless of the beat or lyrics? When did you last look at me as if I were amazing and dwell with me, hug me, as if it was so sweet you wished you could stay with me forever. When did you last show me the yearnings of your soul, the raw, vulnerable and beautiful you? Instead you stare at nothing, interact with the meaningless as if it were your holy grail and dismiss anything of importance I have to say - your apathy is killing us both. Learn to hold onto me with fire and passion, my love, or we both lose, that's the way it is.
I love you... kinda. Um, I guess what my brain is trying to spit up is... I would love you if you were kinder. It's just that when it comes to our emotional bank account, you take far more than you give. And, well, I'm okay with giving a lot, but you've become so entitled to it that the most I can do is the minimum you'll accept... and even then you bite me often and look down on everything I'm good at. Even now I can see the blame in your eyes, the disgust multiplying at my "failure," anything but face the true reason for your pain. It's straight from the cold-fish-playbook-101... make the victim a villain as fast as possible, often with a simplistic moralistic argument that takes into account none of the emotional capital. You're a relationship-vampire and I'm done being drained.
To be loved for only my strengths was a torment. For in the struggle to be strong, in the compulsion to be what you admired, there was isolation. I was locked behind a mask, hiding that which you found repellant. Yet in the end, what broke me was your need to feel superior; that deformed ego you cradle as "self" permitted me to be the "wind beneath your wings" and not a bird soaring free. Outshining you was a capital offence. So, thank you for destroying the person who loved you, because now I make different choices. I choose to love one who nurtures. The sexiest quality by far is emotional warmth, nothing else comes close. For then both drop their masks and find togetherness, happiness, serenity.
Once I ran through fire for you; now my love for you is ashes. The wind catches it every day, a macabre confetti. All I do is wait for your anger and watch more fly away, cinders that should have been petals in softest pink.
"The man you were, the one I married, would have kicked your ass all over this God damn room for talking to me like that. You were someone. You were that guy, the one who had the principles and the backbone."
Ivan, my love,
The past few days were nothing but fun, but they were only that way because I gave you everything you wanted... and we both know you got everything. Then you destroyed me with your words, found every perceived fault. When I failed to acquiesce you got more angry and became entrenched. You think yourself better than the 'one night stand' guys, and in many ways, you are. But you're in denial. Just like them you are scared of intimacy. You're contradiction, Ivan, is that you want commitment, demand loyalty, need love so desperately but fear the vulnerability it brings... I can't be with someone who'll never trust me enough to let me all the way in, forever sitting on your doorstep.
It is time for me to walk away,
Mila
Dear Mila,
I am not a perfect man but I love you. Given the chance I would be by your side in rain and shine, comfort you when times are tough. Perfect love requires absolute vulnerability, the kind a baby has with their mother. Mila, I have been hurt in ways that left me broken and always a residue remains. I'm not ready to love in that way again. The anger I can work on, you're right, I was out of line. You can choose to take a chance on me or walk away, either way you have a piece of my heart for keeps. You are one of the few people for whom I would go into battle and that will never change, come what may,
Ivan
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