It is easier to fight than be vulnerable and say that you need love and a chance to co-regulate. For to do so is admitting how much you need one another. One is dysfunction, the other function. You do the math.
Arguing with the person you feel safest with is how children get stress relief. You are a grown up. There is exercise, art, meditation, music... find whatever combination of things works for you. Being mature means being able to handle yourself. If you need help, that's fine, because those times will be rare and few. You just can't have ongoing fights for basic self-regulation.
Arguing is reductive, conversations with empathic listening is constructive, how about we build one another up?
You're arguing about nothing, for nothing to gain nothing and it's all at my expense. This form of stress relief is as unsustainable and hurtful to me. Then you come back as if I'm the one who hasn't "let it go." You got relief, I got the stress, what the heck am I supposed to do with that?
Arguing is what happens when Dr Banner packs his bags and the Hulk takes up residence. Pretty soon there is no home, nothing, just a lot of ripped up and smashed junk.
When we are arguing it is as if you have forgotten who I am and what we are to one another. That's the problem with going full "Hulk-mode," you smash everything up. If you do that faster than we can rebuild, well, then you can figure out how all this will end, right?
Arguing is the poor version of a conversation. It is when the dumber parts of your brain are triggered and your smarter prefrontal cortex has far less input. We all get triggered, I do too. So, it's okay. But you need to calm down and get back to me when you're ready to be kinder and see my point of view.
Life is not binary. Your perspectives should be nuanced recipe. These arguments are reductive, pointless and exhausting. So stop. Get some empathy. Relax. Come back when you want to talk with me in a more cooperative way.
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