apocalyptic bargaining just opened - quotes and descriptions to inspire creative writing

Apocalyptic bargaining just opened. Text to the interested parties that: "The contract for the salvage operation of Earth, to preserve what is viable in creation, is open. All bids considered."

Satan: "So, here's the thing. The universe forces a certain honesty on us all, even me. Your creator won't let me have any of you for eternity - me, I'd rather own than rent, you hear me? Any-who, I'm pressing for a deal whereby I get some of you on loan to flatten and wipe my ass with you for what will feel like an eternity. I think we're "paper friends," right? I recon if I start with some of the folks making the most money through the destruction of creation I might be in with a real chance? Wish me luck. You should, because for my end of the bargain I'll kill a few of the fat-cats right away. I believe in getting an early start; it's my work-ethic, what can I say? Any way, why wait when you can have it all today? And besides, I'm worth it."

Apocalyptic bargaining considers the rights and needs of all Earthlings of all species, it is not bias to one species or another. It considers only the best outcome for all lifeforms and how balance can be restored. It is however as conservative as possible to keep as much biodiversity as the planet can support. You will be notified of the outcome in due course. Until then we recommend you make as many changes as possible to save your planet, we are more than capable of dealing with these live updates.

Satan: "I get told no to this deal all the time all the time, just so you know, but one day I may just crank up the global pain levels enough to get it through. You know how it is. Business is business."

Satan: "It's not as if I'm asking to do anything to the humans that they didn't already do to other sentient lifeforms. I'd like to think they've earned it. Meritocracy is such a cornerstone of their cultures."

Satan: "Tell you what, I'll give your creator a list of His least favourite people of all time and let the rest of you go. What d'ya say? It's a deal, right?"

The witness statement was made by an angel and countersigned by another - the contract will remain open until creation's Earth-bound future is assured. This is the way of apocalyptic bargaining. We realise the mortals are new to this process but you shouldn't have fucked up your planet so badly as to warrant it."

The soul subnet, to which most of you are subconsciously connected (few are can connect consciously), has returned a majority vote of "onwards." Thus the process of apocalyptic bargaining is consolidated and we move into the next phase. Updates will come as and when anything is agreed upon.